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He’s been a long time a’ comin’ October 11, 2006

Posted by grhomeboy in MetroSexual.

Dear Dr Agapi,
My wonderful boyfriend of four years just can’t come easily. Sex is generally great but he is always up for a mamoth session. Sometimes I just want a quickie and a cuddle. He insists I have at least two orgasms before him. Sometimes I hold back as much as I can until he indicates he is on the verge, so then I let go and he… doesn’t quite make it. It can be such a let down my main concern now is that we are trying for a baby.. but it won’t happen if he has difficulty coming.  Yours looking for an answer!

Dear Yours looking for an answer,

You are right that this is a common problem although it’s more common to see men presenting with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction to the medical profession.

Part of the problem can be that some men just need more stimulation and also for longer in order to reach an orgasm. He’s probably naturally like that. However, there can be other factors that can exacerbate the problem.

The most common one is alcohol with acts a bit like an anaesthetic meaning that men and women both take longer if they’ve been drinking.

Plenty of prescribed medications can also have the same effect, especially antidepressants (antidepressants are sometimes prescribed as a treatment specifically for men suffering with premature ejaculation).

If he’s generally in good health and isn’t a drinker or taking any medication then the likelihood is that he’s one of those lucky or unlucky men (depending on which way you look at it) who take longer.

You’ll know yourself whether he has always been like that from the beginning of your relationship and he’ll be able to tell you himself whether he has had that tendency for many years or when he masturbates on his own.

If it’s not a long-standing ‘problem’ then it could indicate that there are psychological or physical issues that need to be addressed and if you can’t find a solution between the two of you then your GP will be able to refer you as a couple to a professional therapist.

However, there are several things you could try first. Ideally you should talk to him about it.

You need to be encouraging and supportive and emphasise the positives but find a way to say that sometimes it would be nice just to have a quicker session.

I would suggest trying a sex ban for at least a week (no masturbation either) and when you do have sex, you need to concentrate on lots of foreplay for him. At first you can just make him orgasm from foreplay alone.

Gradually build it up so that next you only have sex when he’s just about to orgasm and he can concentrate on you afterwards instead. Bit by bit you can start having sex with him at an earlier stage, maybe not when he’s right on the verge of orgasm. When you are having sex, for now he needs to stop holding back while waiting for you as it seems to be distracting him.

You can even suggest to him that he makes you orgasm before sex and then only have penetrative sex when he’s just about to orgasm too and he then needs to go for it without holding back.

He may well be aiming for the ideal of you both reaching orgasm at the same time but if this is resulting in a problem, the principal is for you to go back to basics and then build on it gradually over a few weeks or months before aiming for the ideal and even then, it doesn’t have to be that way every time.

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