We’re poles apart Peter

And this week’s esteemed P.I.S.H. award (Pole Is Sexy Hobby) is on its way to Jordan’s beloved, Peter Andre.

I’m sure he’s a very nice man, but a quick survey among my pals has concluded his over-fondness for personal grooming has left him with all the sex appeal of John Prescott’s oxter.

First there’s the perma tan, then the shaved chest, the intensely toned bod, the obsessive gym sessions and don’t forget those dodgy hair extensionson his wedding day…

And now it’s been alleged the metrosexual narcissist has a new pastime, pole dancing. However, given Mr Andre’s underwhelming popularity, local barge owners are urged to report any suspicious disappearance of a 10ft steering aid.